My first STD was from a foam party
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So many bounce houses so little time
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
