I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
