ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
