I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
