Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
