His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
