Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
