I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you inspire me to be a worse person
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
