i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize