God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate all girls vehemently.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize