I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize