Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
