he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
