his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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