i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
