If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
