Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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