I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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