i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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