If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I came so hard my ears popped.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize