i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
