just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
