Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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