hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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