Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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