After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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