guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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