The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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