i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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