I heard we made out
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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