You can't special order awesome
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
