I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
