i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
