I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
