Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
