I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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