It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my poor anus
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
