Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
