I just threw up on my dentist
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
