I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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