Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
