I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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