My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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