I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize