Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize