There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
