Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
