At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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