I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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