My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i think i have two assholes
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
