We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
