Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
