Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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