I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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