ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
