I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
