she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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