She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize