turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
